thank you Tabatha

weird how I watched this movie last night

Remember in The Virgin Suicides when they find Cecilia's body in the tub, wrists slit and Mother Mary card in hand? They take her to see a shrink and she's only 13 years old, and she's sitting in front of the doctor who's a total text-book psychiatrist, while he's asking her shit that's irrelevant in her case. She kind of has a smug look on her face, slouching, totally nonchalant in her little white dress with her wrists all wrapped in gauze. At one point he says something to her, or asks her something, and in this completely calm and mature tone she says "obviously doctor, you've never been a thirteen year old girl before". That moment was so perfect. I was around her age when I saw the film, younger I think, but I was so relieved that the world would be able to see these girls. I hoped that maybe, that whole 'you'll understand when you grow up' thing that grown-ups say to younger people would vanish after what Cecilia said. Just because you have raging hormones and these are 'phases' and the problems of our youth seem almost pleasant compared to the ones we have now, it doesn't mean that pain isn't still real. The classic, "if a locker slams and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" question is answered - yes, of course. Just because she was thirteen, her inner suffering wasn't 'developed' enough to be taken more seriously? I think she was the most mature of all her sisters.

Over the years, I've compiled at least 6 of these scrap books. This is the latest one, still full of sad white spaces, but it's coming together. It takes a lot more time than one would think. Cecilia was 'a dreamer', she represented what I like to call 'the lost girls'. Can't fight becoming older, but cant quite let go of the safeness and comfort of childhood imagination. So they (or we, if you're with me) create their own places to go when their surroundings are too much to deal with. I look inside these books when I'm sad. I go over each thing taped inside, and sometimes I'll get stuck on one item or photo for 5 minutes. I see myself wearing something, or being somewhere, or living a certain life, and I get lost. I'm supposed to be searching for the map, but I'm not sure I want to.